Lying to kids is fun.
But stealing from them is lucrative.
Now that reality is subjective and nothing makes sense, why not scam children? The nation’s most precious, gullible resource.
“Are you going to make them buy a meme coin or a patriot bible, Bob?” That was you just then.
No, kids aren’t that stupid. Instead, I’ve decided to profit from their greatest weakness, their innate desire to be kind and helpful.
When visiting a school, I explain that although I’ve enjoyed a long career as a beloved children’s author, the well is dry and I’m completely out of ideas. Word on the street is that they are clever, so maybe they can help me write a story that I can sell.
I call the exercise, MAKE ME A MILLIONAIRE.
First I explain a simple story structure.
Someone wants something but can’t get it. How they try and solve the problem is the story.
In this case, a bear wants to play the guitar, but he has no thumbs.
Before we make the story, I say that I have a kid in college and that I really want a new yacht. My current yacht is a humiliating midsized yacht and all my big-yacht author friends yell hurtful things at me while yachting. Kids might not have an idea how much a yacht costs to run, so I walk them through expenses like yacht gas, the special yacht driver and the subscription to Netflix for yacht-movie night.
Understanding what’s at stake helps them focus for the story part.
Story Dice.
Then I roll the story dice that I invented and get the character and the problem. The dice provide the character and the problem, then the kids have to come up with a solution.
Here are some examples from previous stories.
Gregarious astronaut horse wants cake, but there is a big scary lion.
Nervous bus driver pig wants a pet, but there’s quicksand. Oh, the Bob Shea™ side of the dice is the wildcard. It’s bad luck to roll a Bob Shea™. Trust me.
Lumpy race car driver cake wants to fly, but there’s a monster.
You get the idea.
The kids always come up with a bunch of great ideas, so I pick one that’s easy to draw and I could have plausibly come up with by myself.
Here’s a finished one.
We rolled a couple of Bob Sheas™, so we ended up with this. Friendly baker pig wants bacon, but that’s obviously problematic.
Baker Pig just got done making a big batch of his famous cinnamon rolls when his friend Penguin waddles up with something smokey and delicious. Penguin is acting pretty cagey and doesn’t want to admit to the meat. So he runs away.
Pig keeps dreaming about the mystery meat and is determined to track it down in his local grocery store. Penguin puts on a clever disguise and invents veggie-bacon called FAKIN’. He says that’s what he has been eating the whole time. He’s a liar.
Pig loves it so much, he becomes the mascot. He never truly understands why he is so appropriate for the job, but people love him.
Okay, great. I send the sketches to my agent and get a million bucks.
Their little faces light up when I describe the satisfaction of seeing their work on a bookstore shelf for the first time. It’s truly priceless. Unlike my yacht, which costs a really lot of money.
Bob Shea’s Super Fun Memorial Drawing Club.
Scamming kids gave me such a rush that I’ve decided to do it online too. Grab your Bob Shapes and make a story with me this Wednesday, March 12th at 4pm eastern if I can figure out how to go live on youtube!
https://www.youtube.com/@bobsheabooks
I’ll try to do more events and videos as part of the Bob Shea Super Fun Memorial Drawing Club.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Introducing the Bob Shea Super Fun Memorial* Drawing Club!
*Yes, I’m still alive. I’m just getting used to the idea.
New Book!
Okay. I have a new book coming out, which I may or may not have stolen from children. Just kidding, I wrote it during the last administration when integrity, reality and allies were still things.
BEARSUIT TURTLE MAKES A FRIEND.
Starred reviews from Booklist and Publishers Weekly.
If you order it from my friends at RJ Julia Booksellers, I will sign it IN PEN and send you a screen print that looks like this, but the background is more orange.
Here’s the paper.
I don’t have the real one because I screwed up making the screen. The emulsion was old and I tried to do it anyway. It didn’t work. Wasted a lot of time. Anyway, it will be sorted before the books ship. It’s a 5x7 screenprint of your new best friend.
ORDER BEFORE MARCH 25TH.
Here is the link!
Thanks everyone. Try and look at the news as little as possible.
I love you guys.
Bob
Want to help me out without buying a thing? Use the button to share this with someone you know. Someone cool.
Droppin’ out of school. THIS is my education now. ❤️
Where can I get the dice?