How to befriend famous people.

A fun thing you can ignore.

Famous people are just like you and me; they’re just better in every way.

Have you ever peered through a shrub at a famous person and thought, “If they got to know me, we’d be best friends.”

Let’s make that happen.

Okay.

Go to your local trophy store and order an employee-of-the-month plaque. Go back once a month for the update. Surprise! Every month, it’s your name.

Compliment the store’s wood paneling and ample free parking. Throw in some trophy-themed small talk.

“Hey, have you seen the 2024 Dinn Trophy standing baby nine-inch rectangular column? Pretty sweet! You’d think it was a real standing baby!”

Here’s the trophy.

Oh, are you in the business?” they’ll ask.

“More of a hobby, I find the industry fascinating. Trends, techniques, the latest in customer service. I love it all,” you say.

Do this every month until the owner hints at retirement.

“You know, I’d retire if only I could find someone conscientious and knowledgeable to trust with my store,” they’ll say.

Now, make your move.

BAM! You now work at a trophy store!

Okay.

When Taylor Swift comes in to pick up one of her Grammys, make friends with her.

“I saw you on TV,” is a nice opener. She will be proud of being on TV and glad someone saw her.

Then you have to stop talking because the name etching machine is loud. Once the name etching machine is done, you can say something else.

“Did you like being on TV?” is a considerate thing to ask. People don’t ask famous people about their feelings.

Promise to check out her music later and maybe stop by her show if she plays locally. You’re lying, but it’s important to encourage musicians.

Let Taylor Swift know that the mints on the counter are complimentary. She might be shy if she thinks the mints cost money. Prove it by eating one yourself. Tell Taylor Swift the mints are for customers only, but you don’t care. Some days, you have three. Sharing something personal – that you’re a thief – will strengthen your friendship.

Okay, so now you and Taylor Swift are best friends.

Make sure you wear a nice shirt that day. Like helicopter/yacht nice. Something that can take you from casual drinks by the pool to an Illuminati dinner on a private island where you hunt people for sport. Something Taylor Swift would never do. She seems nice.

You won’t just be best friends with Taylor Swift. This method works on all kinds of famous people: Nobel laureates, people from television, and competitive eaters.

Okay, good luck. Once you are friends with a bunch of famous people, try and work my new book into casual conversation.

It’s called Pizza for Birds. I’m on tour next week.